- I've heard it said "when a child loses their father at a young age they make him into a villain or superman"
- My father died of Alzheimer's when I was 11. 19 years later it still feels like yesterday. I have constant thoughts replaying in my mind of "Why's"?
- Why didn't I understand the gravity of the situation?
- Why didn't I press to see him more?
- Why didn't I crawl up in that nursing home bed and love on him?
- Why didn't I tell him I loved him one more time???
- You know why? Because I was 11. Because I didn't know that terminal meant FOREVER. Because I was a child.
- But why can't I forgive myself?
- My last memory of my father was at the nursing home. My father was incapacitated, lying in a dirty bed with two day old food on his clothes, moaning and blankly looking around the room. Our family picture on his bedside table and the smell of forgotten people lingering in the air. I was in the doorway, afraid to go to close, making fun of the sounds he made. I wish I could go back in time and shake that little girl, tell her THIS IS YOUR FATHER!! YOU'LL REGRET THIS MOMENT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! But I can't, and that picture is forever blazed into my memory. And no matter how many times I think about that moment I can't escape the shame I feel.
- A good friend of mine once said about this scene: "What do you need to forgive yourself for? For being a child? For not being able to control this disease? For not being able to grasp the reality of the situation?"
- And he was right. I couldn't control or change these outcomes, but it doesn't make it any easier. And even though I have horrible memories of abuse and abandonment, I still can't seem to shake one lingering thing... My dad was a Superman, and he shouldn't have died like that. He should have been stronger, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN STRONGER
- . ..Happy Birthday week Daddy, I miss you and think about you everyday. I don't know how my life would be with you in it still, but I know you would have still been my number one fan, the Best Grandpa ever, and so proud of the way your children turned out. Troy with his ministry, me with a husband handpicked by you, and Brent emmulating you in everyway possible.
- Songs that remind me of my Daddy: Georgia Sattellites "Keep your hands to yourself",
- Johnny Paycheck "Take this Job and shove it", John Anderson "Just a swingin"
- ....Thank you blogger world for letting me dump on you, to be free is the best way to be.
7 comments:
You write so beautifully, so emotivly...this post is an honour to your father.
Guilt is a funny thing. eath seems to bring up feelings of guilt in people, especially to those close to the person who died. When the death is "routine"....an elderly person dying in the normal scheme of life...even though it hurts us, we can cope and move on. But when that death is out of order...a son before his parents or a Daddy before his little girl is and adult...the guilt and emotional fallout goes far beyond rational. Whether we own any repsonsibility or not...we feel somehow that we failed. We are all human. Non perfect and full of mistakes. A child of 11 does not understand and doesn't want to understand about a dying man in a nursing home. Not even when it is her Dad.
I thank God every day for forgiving me my mess-ups. The things I did wrong in raising my son. Now he is gone and I don't have any second chances with him. But God was ultimately in control. Not me the Mom...or you the 11 year old child.
God's comfort and peace upon you this week as you remember your Daddy.
Golly, I wasn't expecting that, Amanda. I came over to say thank you for finding me, and was laughing at your profile, the "about me" bit and then this, this most moving love story to your father. Bit overwhelmed, to be honest. But, please, forgive yourself.
Dear Cousin Amanda- I grieve with you; I'm so sorry that we have never talked about this. I'm so sorry that you are being challenged with these emotions. I strongly believe that your daddy leaving us and going to heaven has its reasons, God wouldn't have it any other way. Perhaps one of the biggest is what a remarkable woman you have turned out to be. I would take an educated guess that you are a better wife, a better mother, a better sister and a better person because of experiencing your dad passing away. None of the words I type seem strong enough to express my admiration for you (and your brothers and your mom) for enduring the loss that you experienced.
The only thing I can think to do is to share memories of him with you. I remember your dad in two different ways: super fun and sometimes crabby...but with me he was mostly super fun (yes, I (we) occasionally deserved a crabby from him...we may have been naughty a time or two- you know what I'm talking about). I remember, clearly, him playing with us at Grammy's farm. I remember him teaching us things, and taking us for rides on his back around the farm house, I remember the handmade Christmas gift from him, and I remember getting scolded a few times or watching you get scolded. Although the times we all spent together were scarce I remember always being drawn to your dad and envious of the special relationship that you all had...I always thought it would have been nice to actually get to live with my dad and you got to, I'm sorry that it was only for 11 years.
I am so sorry that you struggle with the loss of your father. I have no words to make you feel better, I'm sorry. I respect that you are an amazing woman and are, obviously, self aware of what you are feeling and how to cope with them, or are trying to find ways of coping...you are light years ahead of so many people, I admire you.
To your dad: Happy Birthday Uncle Bill! and to you: I love you and pray for you and your brothers and this continuous heartache that you have, I pray that someday you will be free of the that heartache. I pray for your heart and mind to be content and that the memories of your daddy help you through the grief.
I wish I could known him. I wish I could have met him. I am forever grateful that I get to have one of the best things from him. Someone who models him daily. I wish I could have gotten to know the love I see in eyes in every picture I look at. The love that only sparkles when the picture is of him holding one of his. I know each of you make him proud.
I wish I could known him. I wish I could have met him. I am forever grateful that I get to have one of the best things from him. Someone who models him daily. I wish I could have gotten to know the love I see in eyes in every picture I look at. The love that only sparkles when the picture is of him holding one of his. I know each of you make him proud.
DJ Kirby: Thank you for that compliment, how honored to come from you.
Jeff: You help put things in perspective.
Milla: Thanks for coming by, I'm not heavy all the time- I promise, please come back!!
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